Question:
After living with my parents most of my life, lived with them 14 years after my marriage ended. In those years I didn’t date, have sex or anything as my parents are religous fanatics. I lived with their rules because after all I was living in their home, even though I was helping with bills. 4 years ago I met a man and began an affair and they asked me to give up dating or move out. So I moved out on my own and my family and daughter who was mid teens turned their backs on me. I struggled alone and then they came back to me only to dump me again when I couldn’t afford to give them money for christmas. They came back again and we have been geting alone for over a year. I am havning the time of my life now at 43 having my own place, privacy, being able to date, etc and up until yesterday I had a relationship with my family. Well yesterday my parents and daugther got notice that they were being evicted for pet deposit violations. THey had kept 2 cats and a dog and my mom refused to pay a deposit and hid them all these years and has finally got caught. The apt wants 600 or for them to get out now. My family is not goign to pay the deposit and is insisting that I move out of my apartment and move with them into another apartment and share the bills. They say I owe them the help after all they’ve done for me. My daughter won’t even live in my apartment because I date but now that she is in need, she’s all about us all moving in together.
They are being thrown on in the next few days and I cannot just move out of my apartment without giving 30 days notice and I do not want to give up my place to crowd into a 2 bedroom with 4 people.
If I don’t move then i’m being selfish and I will lose my family forever and my daughter will hate me but if I give up my place and move with them, we will be fighting nonstop like we were before I left 4 years ago. Simply saying they want me to live with them and give up my lover and social life. I asked if we could try it for 6 months and they said no, it needs to be forever.
I don’t know what I should do
this is the second time my parents have been thrown out for pet deposit violations but last time they were given adequat time to move and they are elderly now.
They want me to pay for my own moving and deposit when it’s their idea not mine and I only have money for my july rent, not any moving expenses and neither they nor I have cars so we can’ t just load up the car
Your family is nuts and your nuts for letting them get away with it.
Don’t move in with them. You owe them nothing because you helped pay the bills when you lived with them. Essentially you were roommates and even then you lived by their rules.
You move in again you will still be roommates but I’m betting they will expect you to bend to their wishes. What happens if you get tossed out again because of pet violations? Then your out on your ass. They want your money not your love and friendship. And that goes for your rotten daughter too.
So my advice is to say no. NO NO NO NO NO NO! No you won’t move in with them. No they can’t move in with you (maybe your daughter, but DO NOT allow her tell you what to do. It’s your home YOUR RULES!). No you won’t lend/give them money. No your not being selfish your being realistic and responsible. No you won’t give up your overdue freedom and social life for self centered brats. No you don’t want anything more to do with them.
I’m sorry I come from a family that believes very strongly in helping family and sticking by family. But your family is being rediculous. Save for your daughter I would cut the rest out of my life. keep doing what your doing and don’t give a fig what they say about it because you won’t be around to listen to it.
Woman up!
weirdo
You have a right to your own happiness and life. as far as your daughter goes, if she’s still a teen you should offer her a place to stay. Your parents made they’re decisions and now they’re dealing with the consquences. You are way to old to live with someone elses rules. Stop feeling guilty for wanting to be happy.
You say you’re being selfish, but sometimes taking care of your own needs is what is best.
If they cared for you, they’d care about your needs and not just their own. Remember that.
And I’m sure they “care” for you, but it seems that these people can’t see past themselves.
Well, unfortunately I think you’re in a lose-lose position.
You have every right to say that you refuse to move in with them, because you have your own life, and the situation they’re in is one they have created, by not paying the pet deposit. But by saying no, they will resent you for it and your relationship will suffer from it.
If you say yes and do move in with them, you will suffer because they’ll want you to live according to their (misguided, imo) rules. So you’ll become frustrated, tension will mount, and your relationship will suffer from it.
No matter what you do, it’s not a good situation. I believe your parents don’t have the right to demand such things from you. We don’t raise our children so we can demand loyalty, money or obeisance from them.
Your parents are selfish, and your daughter is misguided. All you can do is make a decision that you can live with best. Good luck.
They are using you. It sounds like they only care about you when you are doing things their way, and you can do something for them. If you can help your parents out, that would be great, but moving in with them is a bad idea. They chose to keep animals, and then refused to pay a deposit when they got caught. That is 100% their fault, and it will happen again whether you are living with them or not. You aren’t being selfish at all. Your parents are the selfish ones.
Don’t let your parents manipulate you into turning your life over to them again. Things will go okay for a while if you move back in with them, but sooner than later, you will do something to offend them, or break one of their rules, and they will kick you out.
You’ve spent your entire life (43 years) trying to please people who don’t have your best interest at heart. It’s sad, but maybe you should let them go. Hopefully, when your daughter grows up, she will see the error of her ways. It is tragic that she has turned against you, but you moving back in with your parents isn’t going to make things better for anyone.
you can help your family without giving up your freedom.
So, what kind of a religion do they have, that says it’s ok to cheat your landlord?
What you have is a very emotional issue. Yes, you do owe your parents and your daughter a LOT. No, you don’t necessarily have to live with them. They’re being manipulative here. They’re being evicted not because they can’t pay the rent but because they’ve been lying, and now they want you to save their bacon, because you have a job. So their motives are not good. On the other hand, dear: you have a legal obligation (as well as a moral one) to support your daughter, and what are you doing about that? Have you been compensating your parents for what they’ve spent over the years to give her (and you) food, clothing and a place to live?
Obviously, you can’t live with them and have an independent life. Obviously, you have moral and legal obligations to help them out. So I think the fair thing to do is to set up a budget and to agree to pay them a fixed amount every month out of your salary, even if it means cutting back a lot on the treats you buy for yourself.
Let us know what you decide.